Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Being 30

I stumbled on this blog entry in Multiply that I wrote five years ago. I didn't realize that my account there is still active. And here's one of the musings I had back then on crossing to the Big 3-0.


Summer is just a few days shy from showing up with the glorious sunshine in tow. And when it's over, it will herald a new beginning. A new chapter for me. It's not just the season that is changing, you see. I, too will turn a new leaf.
As the clock ticks by, I feel the need to breathe in the moments of breathtaking snapshots of the remaining days of being a twenty-something. Looking back, I feel the poignant repose of a giddy child full of mischief, the bratty teen who feels that the world is at her disposal, a fresh graduate who seemed to be so full of herself, so sure of her niche in the world, and of a young adult caught in a crossroad of life's realities. 

When I was an impressionable child, I was introduced to the fantastic world of literature. I devoured Filipino folklore, cruised never-land in a never-ending story and wished to see the world of the boy who refused to grow up. I read like there was no tomorrow and I played like there was no today. We ran like we were in the Olympics and climbed trees as if we were climbing the tallest mountains. The games were played in the stadium of our yard. 

Growing up is a challenge when I was cocooned in the safe world of the books littered on my bed. I shunned building relationship as I felt I had enough in my make-believe world. I cannot be bothered to open my window for fear of being interrupted of an uninterrupted weekend reading pleasure. If the written word has nutritional value, it would have satiated my physical hunger. 

And this was a time of searching for identity. A time when I wanted to rewrite the history of my lineage. A time when I would have traded anything and everything to be someone else. Such are the insatiable need of a twisted mind in a teen's world full of angst.  

And then, I grew up a little too fast. I thought that if I could map out the course of my life, I would be guaranteed safe passage towards my destination. Adulthood is a crazy journey. It is a maze of hits and misses. It is a crossing over to the responsible realm. 

It meant searching and finding meaningful relationships. And realizing that heart aches and disappointments are on the same side to an otherwise 'perfect' bond. Love has cost me several limbs inasmuch as it fixed a broken one. A childhood hurt has found solace in the knowledge that I am loved, beyond compare by a higher being. And if being an adult made a mark, it would be learning to love unconditionally a family whom you've never chosen but has chosen to be there for you.

When others are marking their lives by the successes they have reaped; I am marking mine with the people who have touched my life. I have what I call my guide posts. These are people who made an impression in my way of thinking, in shaping my self-worth and strengthening my character. 

If I were to draw my life, it would never be as straight as the one I would have wanted. It is marred with tears, scarred with hurt but decorated with a full-bloomed garden of love. 
It shaped, re-shaped and molded who I am today and what I hope for in the future. Some may not know how much I have learned from them, some will never have a chance of knowing for they have passed the threshold of the earth and some may know my gratitude for occupying a space in my heart. As to when it would happen, only time can tell. I have yet to find the courage to reveal my deepest thoughts to them. 

Like the solitary tree in the middle of my high school's ground, my journey is taken with much space to grow and a breath of fresh air to breathe the beauty of life... to live and be fully alive. 



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