I stumbled on this blog entry in Multiply that I wrote five years ago. I didn't realize that my account there is still active. And here's one of the musings I had back then on crossing to the Big 3-0.
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Summer
is just a few days shy from showing up with the glorious sunshine in
tow. And when it's over, it will herald a new beginning. A new chapter
for me. It's not just the season that is changing, you see. I, too will
turn a new leaf.
As
the clock ticks by, I feel the need to breathe in the moments of
breathtaking snapshots of the remaining days of being a twenty-something.
Looking back, I feel the poignant repose of a giddy child full of
mischief, the bratty teen who feels that the world is at her disposal, a
fresh graduate who seemed to be so full of herself, so sure of her
niche in the world, and of a young adult caught in a crossroad of life's
realities.
When
I was an impressionable child, I was introduced to the fantastic world
of literature. I devoured Filipino folklore, cruised never-land in a
never-ending story and wished to see the world of the boy who refused to
grow up. I read like there was no tomorrow and I played like there was
no today. We ran like we were in the Olympics and climbed trees as if we
were climbing the tallest mountains. The games were played in the
stadium of our yard.
Growing
up is a challenge when I was cocooned in the safe world of the books
littered on my bed. I shunned building relationship as I felt I had
enough in my make-believe world. I cannot be bothered to open my window
for fear of being interrupted of an uninterrupted weekend reading
pleasure. If the written word has nutritional value, it would have
satiated my physical hunger.
And
this was a time of searching for identity. A time when I wanted to
rewrite the history of my lineage. A time when I would have
traded anything and everything to be someone else. Such are
the insatiable need of a twisted mind in a teen's world full of angst.
And
then, I grew up a little too fast. I thought that if I could map out
the course of my life, I would be guaranteed safe passage towards my
destination. Adulthood is a crazy journey. It is a maze of hits and
misses. It is a crossing over to the responsible realm.
It
meant searching and finding meaningful relationships. And realizing
that heart aches and disappointments are on the same side to an
otherwise 'perfect' bond. Love has cost me several limbs inasmuch as
it fixed a broken one. A childhood hurt has found solace in the
knowledge that I am loved, beyond compare by a higher being. And if
being an adult made a mark, it would be learning to love unconditionally
a family whom you've never chosen but has chosen to be there for you.
When
others are marking their lives by the successes they have reaped; I am
marking mine with the people who have touched my life. I have what I
call my guide posts. These are people who made an impression in my way
of thinking, in shaping my self-worth and strengthening my character.
If
I were to draw my life, it would never be as straight as the one I
would have wanted. It is marred with tears, scarred with hurt but
decorated with a full-bloomed garden of love.
It
shaped, re-shaped and molded who I am today and what I hope for in the
future. Some may not know how much I have learned from them, some will
never have a chance of knowing for they have passed the threshold of
the earth and some may know my gratitude for occupying a space in my
heart. As to when it would happen, only time can tell. I have yet to
find the courage to reveal my deepest thoughts to them.
Like
the solitary tree in the middle of my high school's ground, my journey
is taken with much space to grow and a breath of fresh air to breathe
the beauty of life... to live and be fully alive.
XX
Sheng
