Letter to Kate

1 June 2015

My dearest Kate, 

Happy sixth month, darling!

We celebrated your half-a-year ten days ago. In the flurry of things, we were only able to take your sixth month photo the next day. 

I am writing to you because I want to start a tradition of putting in a journal my thoughts, my memories, my hopes and apprehensions concerning you. I would have opted to write in a paper journal but experience tells me that papers get lost, pages eaten by moths. And so I have decided to use this digital space as our memory keeper. 

When you're old enough to read, perhaps the Internet has evolved then. And the Internet of Things has taken on a more 'tangible' meaning to the everyday life. But as I'm writing this, we only have a vague sense of what it will become. One thing for sure though, we know that there is a permanency in the worldwide web. Even if this letter gets deleted, erased, corrupted or purged, somehow if you look hard enough, you will stumble upon it at some point. Before I digress further, am ruminating on your sixth months in this world. 

Exactly on your sixth month to the day, we parted for the first time. I was to attend a five day event for my work. I stayed in a hotel (Sofitel Philippine Plaza) in Manila, about 30 minutes away from our home then. It may seem not considerable but in our time the traffic was horrible and unpredictable, and the event-hours extend until late into the night. Hence, my decision to sleep away from you. 

You have to know that this was the very first time that you and I weren't sleeping in the same bed. Saying goodbye at the lobby of our condo was hard; it felt like my heart was being ripped away from me. And there you were too innocent to know that Mama is not coming home for the next five days. You were only too happy to be outside -- because it's what you love to do. Your idea of fun is being outside the house -- in the hallways, pool area, lobby, wherever there are people you can socialize with. 

At such a very young age, you like cheering up people especially the old ones. There is one grandpa who is smitten by you because you always light up whenever you see each other by the elevator area. 

You smile, coo and laugh at other babies and their nannies. In return, you are rewarded with morning greetings of Hello, Kate! everytime, all the time. Oftentimes, I overhear neighbors inquiring about you when you're not outside yet by seven o'clock in the morning. My heart swells knowing how blessed I am that in my imperfections and shortcomings, God has blessed me with a happy child. 

On the last day of my business conference, you fetched me with your dad and grandma. Your feet bounced and your widest grin greeted me. The first embrace we had squeezed my heart so hard I was afraid I would embarrass everyone by crying. I was too ecstatic, too overjoyed to see you, I almost forgot to kiss your dad in greeting. 

It was short-lived though. You cried your heart out when the novelty of being held by me wore off. You frantically searched the hotel room for your other mama. You cried buckets. And your tears were so huge I gave up comforting you and surrendered you to the other woman in your life. I would have been jealous by your fierce and young love to her, if she's not my mother. I have never been so grateful in my life until that moment -- other working mothers do not have the same luxury I enjoy -- the care and love of a grandma of her apo (grand daughter). 

It took a long while before you were comfortable again to be with me. We played around; gawked at the pretty surroundings, the enchanting Manila bay and the charm of the resort. 

When it was time to go home, I held you in my arms. The movement of the car lulled you to sleep while I try to imprint in my mind the tightness of your hug around my neck as you lay your face on my shoulder. I feel like I'm the luckiest mother in the world!

Do you know that you like to eat everything around you including my limbs? Yes, you nibble at your stroller, the railing of your crib, my fingers, your toes, my toes... even my face when you're "nanggigil". One would think that we starve you. But then when fed, you play with your feeding bottle. You toss it around, bite the nipple, toss the bottle one more time before you would drink a few drops. Yes, you were a very playful baby. 

We played to our heart's content at night. And even if my eyes were already drooping from sleepiness, a coo and a smile wake me up instantly. I realized that I will never be sleep deprived for long because you are growing too fast. 

One day, you were so bald with only a few wisps of hair on your head. I don't see you for a week, and am struck by your seemingly full head that has grown almost overnight. 

Your face looks different everyday. The tiny changes amaze me. I cannot trust my memory for in my mind you looked bigger, longer. Your dad must have snapped over a thousand photographs of you. One afternoon, I decided to walk down memory lane, and there you were so, so tiny. You looked so fragile. It made me wonder how was it possible no one managed to crush you. 

I love calling you, my little kate. Even if you are bigger than the neighbors' babies who are older than you. I love telling you stories. I love singing my made up song for you, all the time. 

I love waking up with you. You are the prettiest sight everyday. There are no Monday blues with you. 

When I am itching to travel, I turn to my books so I can hop around the world without leaving you. Yes, one day, we will go on a world adventure together. We will scale mountains and skyscrapers, we will dive in the history of the world, and we will lounge in the grand vistas of nature's beautiful landscapes. We will catch the dancing of the lights, of the aurora borealis of the northern skies in Europe, see the geysers and visit the fjords. Admire the works of the masters and commune with nature. 

For that I cannot wait for you to be a little bit grown up so that we can get started on a grand adventure. For now though, I will sleep and dream of beautiful places...

...to wake up with this stunning view. This, I wouldn't trade for the world. No matter the itch if you're not in it. 

I love you, my little rascal. 

Xx

Mom

Baby Book Library

When I was carrying yet my baby I already came across Internet articles about the value of reading to your child. Some studies have pointed out even to start while it is in the womb. 

It didn't pose a challenge to me because 1) I love to read 2) I want my baby to be a voracious reader like me so we can share in the joys and wonders of the literary world. Up until I actually had my baby when the daily grind took over and I had procrastinated and procastinated. Here we are, four months later... my baby has not heard my storytelling voice yet.

When the pedia asked if we had started with reading yet, guilt was so raw I feel like I've shortchanged my baby's future. Our pedia cited a study which concluded that 100 days of continuous reading dramatically increases the baby's IQ level. It doesn't even matter what kind of reading material, as long as you are reading aloud.

Almost panicky, we went home with the intent of introducing Baby Kate to the written word.I literally have hundreds maybe even a thousand titles both in tactile paper back and hard bound, and of course e-books. 

Out of desperation, and for the love of this classic, I read my Baby's first book -- The Little Prince. 

Kate and her first book -- The Little Prince.

What have I realized? Reading aloud is not easy. It takes practice and patience to achieve an animated storytelling voice when reading the narrative, dialogue and different voices of the characters. And of course, pronouncing the words correctly add to the drama of book-reading to a child who may not know any better yet but whose future get impacted with what you feed her mind today. Tough job. 

It's so different when you read it for your personal consumption. Surprisingly, there are a lot of new things I discovered reading aloud this book. It's one of my favorites. And I've read it a few times. But this experience is going to be different. Now, I get to share the highs and lows of human emotions, the hopes and dreams and the lessons that can be gleamed from a story, the story of the little prince, with my baby. 

As we slowly build her Baby Book Library, my good friend Zarah bought Kate these exciting books. 

If only my child gets influenced by her Tita Zarah in the reading department, I think we're set for life-- am going to have a book loving child. 

The past nights, I've been reading to a four month old whose attention span is so erratic I sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort. So, I take comfort in the advice of moms before me who says that as long as they hear the spoken words, they retain something. And it helps in the brain's development. Ok. We read a chapter or two every night. Given the pace, we'll finish our first book in a month's time. Well, well, well. It's for the wee one. 

Given the jolt we had last pedia visit, I am now on a mission to get a hold of the 25 Best Books of all time. See here. 

At a glance, I should have in my bookshelf at least the following: 

Pat the Bunny. 

Goodnight Moon. 

Peek-a-who?

The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Guess How Much I love You. 

I posted on social media, my baby and mine's first book session. Lo and behold, I received so many comments and suggestions. The beauty of social networking-- like-minded people get to share experiences and best choices. Yay!

To mommies out there, care to share some tips and book titles? 

Xx

Sheng

Virtual wet kisses from Sofia Katherine

It's been exactly fourteen working days that I've been at work since I gave birth. But this afternoon, I realized with a jolt that 14 days is not too long yet it felt like I've been back for a long time already. I am on a catch up mode for 1Q deliverables. 

The days are long. And my nights are shorter. Because of this adorable not-so-tiny baby girl, Sofia Katherine. Everyone calls her Kate. To me, she is Bébé. 

Kate, 2 weeks old

Born November 23, 2014 at 12:46am. 

weight: 7 lbs and 9 oz; height: 17 inches 

When I saw my baby for the first time, it seemed like a floodgate has opened up and my heart just swelled with love. And everyday since then, I fall in love with her day by day. I can look at her for long periods without getting bored. Every tiny movement, quirks and manners get magnified. And that precious, precious smile just wipes away the fatigue from accumulated sleepless nights. 

that one-eyed peek

that smile...

Day 1 at home. Her onesie is so much longer and bigger. 

The first few weeks were a flurry of activities and constant worrying. I worry that she's not sleeping enough. I worry that she sleeps too much. I wake up in the middle of the night when she's not moving to listen for heart beat. 

I get frustrated when she's fussy and I ran out of ideas to make her less stimulated. When the crying fits were at its peak, I entertained thoughts of wailing with her. Then, I'd laugh at the absurdity of my thoughts. 

When you hug her and she sort of embraces you back, the world is right again. 

Happy one month, Baby Kate!

Kate's first Christmas in her Santa dress.

Before we get any decent shot of her, we go through several frames of like these.

Time flies so fast. 

Happy two months, Bébé!

Late night photo shoot. Just because she refuses to sleep. So, daddy whips his camera out.

Every day, we bond during her bath time. To me, bath time is a treasure trove of discoveries of new things she can do such as flutter her lids, show her mischievous grin and that fierce look she gives when she's annoyed. 

Like a boss.

In the blink of an eye (seemingly), my baby has grown so big I sometimes wonder how I missed it. She's no longer the tiny baby girl that fits snugly in my chest and can be held in one hand. She's now 6 kilos and 27 inches long. Sigh. 

Happy third month, Kate! (Read: She now knows that food isn't just what she has in her feeding bottle.)

I'm a girl interrupted. Every night, Kate wakes up and wants to play. She coos. And cries when no one gives her attention. So, I take it as an opportunity to tell her stories and ask her questions. And it never fails to crack me up when her 'responses' are apt to my inquiry. 

Am torn between wanting to see her grow and wishing she stays to be an adorable little girl who generously gives me wet kisses all the time. And whose eyes light up when she sees her mama. 

Oh, the joys of motherhood.

Xx

Sheng

The Home Stretch

Monday, November 3, 2014 marks my 37th weeks of pregnancy. Just three more weeks in the home stretch. But according to my OB, it could be anytime soon. The baby can decide to show up earlier or later than expected.  Ugh. My anxiety level just shot up. 

After my OB check, I went home with a one-track mind. Fill my go-bag with baby essentials and put it in the trunk. Stat. 

I am in a delirious state of anxiously waiting but hoping not-too-soon baby. And yet crossing my fingers that when she pops out, I'm totally ready, even if it's still too early-- for me, at least. 

Today, I've been in a frenzy ticking off items on my to-do list so I won't be thinking about work when the time comes. 

At six o' clock this evening, I decided to write down my ramblings to find comfort in this mixed state of euphoria and fear. 

How my pregnancy has progressed. 

I thought it would be easy-breezy, from day 1 to D-day. I made it until the 7th month with hardly any complaints. Then, it seemed like all the discomfort of the whole nine yards were cramped into this short period (8th to 9th) before I pop out. My first two trimesters were relatively easy. No dizzy spells. No morning sickness. No bed rests. No cravings. No issues on sugar levels. No worries on my blood pressure elevating. 

In fact, everything is relatively painless. My OB was confident on my health that I was able to travel for work until my 6th month. She has even allowed me to go out of town on my 37th week. 

And then, the home stretch happened, is happening... 

All at once, I feel like all the discomforts in this world have been dumped in one timeline. 

These days, I have difficulty sleeping at night. No matter how physically tired I was, I don't hit the snooze until way later into the night. 

Finding the right sleep position is as elusive as the blue corn moon. Turning left or right requires a lot of effort. There's so much grunting that happens in the space of time that it takes me to flip sides. That 10-second of elapsed time seems like an eternity to a beached whale. 

And I am a woman interrupted. I usually get up at 3-4 times a night to pee. I've tried all the tricks that were shared with me. But nothing seems to work. I even wake up parched but I refuse to drink water because am afraid to pee some more. 

Just when you have drifted to oblivion, the sun starts to rise and the alarm sets off. Whattalife!

I waddle like a duck. I tried the mind-over-matter trick. I imagine myself walking normally. Yet, everyday, I catch myself with my very protruding belly way ahead of me. I feel like I'm going to topple over if am not careful. And it's true, a pregnant woman in her advanced stage can no longer see her feet. Ugh. 

I believe this is how I look like. 

Sore, swollen feet. Really, really sore. At the end of the day, my feet look like a generously stuffed sausage. Sadly, it's not the aesthetics that am concerned about but the nagging pain that goes with it all through the night. 

I became fanatic about having a foot spa. The 10-15 minute relaxed kneading on my tired feet feels like heaven on earth. I've been wondering for a while where I could have pre-natal services. I've inquired at The Spa but sadly they don't have one. And then, onto my 8th month, my friend and fellow preggers Nina told me about Clarins Institut's Beautiful Mom-To-Be massage and scrub services. I booked the service. And I'll share here how it is was in my next post.

Daily, I wake up Mondaze, Tuesdaze, Wednesdaze, Thursdaze, Fridaze. Then, weekends come. And I'm as alive, alert, awake and enthusiastic at six in the morning! Ugh. What a travesty!

Weekends these days are spent going to the mall shopping for baby stuff. In my previous life, the mall is my sanctuary. These days, I dread going. A 15 minute walk around the baby shops require a 10 minute rest on benches, cafes and at any available surface I can rest lazy my butt on. Everything hurts :( even my pocket. Ha ha ha!

Everyone keeps asking me when do I take a leave. Early in my pregnancy I've consciously made the decision to hold on to my sanity by working until my water bag breaks... 

I want to maximize the opportunity to spend time with my little one when it pops out of the oven. Inasmuch as I dread to be spending long sleepless nights, I very much look forward to gazing at my baby, whispering sweet nothings, and reading with her. 

We can hardly wait for the big day. But little one, please maximize your time in mommy's tummy so we can still be spending time at the office. Mommy needs to ensure that she's hit her PMP objectives before the year ends! Lol!

We are very excited to meet you, soon :) Your little nook is almost ready. It's not yet complete but don't worry it shall be completely prepared when you decide to grace us with your presence already. 

Miss Kate, here's your very Pottery Barn crib.

Xoxo, 

Mom

Changes

Change is constant. And change can be daunting. But change can also be exciting. 

This year is all about the constancy of change in my life. 

This year set a milestone in my married life. We've always wanted to have a baby but we thought that we could plan it. In our minds, the perfect time is when we have moved already to our own condo unit, when we have saved enough, traveled enough. But no, God surprised us one day when He smiled upon us and deemed us ready for a new responsibility, a new addition to our small unit. We're expecting a stork in the next 5 weeks! And we're expecting with bated breath. 

Summer of this year saw me transition to a new job which is really a welcome relief; like a breath of fresh air. I strongly believe that God's timing is always perfect. But I know that it can be difficult to hold onto this promise when you're in a rough patch in whatever area in your life. For me, the waiting was over a year. I went through the normalcy of showing up for work, delivering what is required, yet always, always pining for that new job I was praying for. 

When it came, it arrived in my doorstep so suddenly I didn't have time to blink. In a snap, my work responsibility and description changed. And I was never happier. God's appointment is always on time. 

With just weeks to prepare for the arrival of our baby, we moved houses. From a very tiny condo for two, we moved to a two bedroom unit in a neighbourhood that is suitable for families. It's not just the physical move that gives me the jitters but the thought of living with other people to help us raise our child. 

I came from a large family. Growing up, every space in our house is occupied by a sibling, a relative visiting or staying with us for a while. So, when it came for me to work on my independence, I struggled to live by myself, learn to fend for myself, and I learned to love living by myself. The occasional visit to the hometown was always treated us a vacation. So, the chaos and the noise were tolerated. 

This time though, I dread the day that I would have to constantly deal with others inside my home. In a week or so, the help would arrive along with my mom and aunt. Am glad that my mom and Tita have agreed to stay with me while I am adjusting to motherhood, raising a child, and entrusting my child's care to a stranger. 

I've also noticed the changing of the tides in my shopping pilgrimage to the mall. Now, I spend hours looking at small, cute items. I realized that buying practical stuff for the baby takes a lot of patience, thinking and bargaining. And the array of choices is crazy. We've made a habit of checking out online stores to find the cutest dress, hippest baby sweaters, the fanciest booties. But at the end of the day, we end up with basic whites with ties on the side, old school binders and mittens. Nothing beats the elegance of a white onesie, white booties, white mittens and white binders. 

We're reserving the splash of colours in our baby's accessories. Can't wait to decorate her tiny space in our tiny bedroom! 

The biggest change is yet to happen. When we hold the tiny hand of our little wee one, we begin the journey to parenthood... to being responsible for the shaping and nurturing a new life. Or has it already started the moment that tiny heart started beating inside my womb? 

Cheers to change!

Xx

Sheng

Little One

You were just a distant dream
that I thought I'd love to hold

You were a tiny idea in my head
when I refine my life's roadmap

You were a happy surprise
when you sneaked on me one day 
just when I least expect you 

And that very same day changed our life's landscape,
you are no longer a distant dream nor a tiny idea

You are that tiny little thing
that made me look at the world in rose-colored glasses

You are that tiny bleep in my universe
that put a spring into my step

You are that tiny life growing inside my womb
that dictates the beat of my world

You are the bun in the oven we can't wait to unwrap.

You are the gift that keeps on giving.

You are the precious little one that is God's most amazing blessing. 

You are the one person that we wait with bated breath. We are thrilled. We are nervous. We are happy.

Xx

 Mom